Some parenting advice from the world’s greatest Mother

Today hasn’t been one of my best as a Mama. If you read my last post, you’ll know that Violet is teething at the moment.  She’s like the perfect child 90% of the time. Unfortunately, the other 10% is when she’s teething, and it ain’t pretty!  Last night she was tossing and turning all night, moaning in pain. In the end, I just let her sleep on top of me with her little elbow wedged firmly into my jugular. Whatever, she was so tired and I was wrecked so we just made do.

As a result of a long wakeful night, this morning didn’t get off to a great start. Today I had a webinar scheduled at 10:00am as part of my Clever Cookie Blog School, so I’d have to find something to distract Violet whilst I sat on my laptop for an hour.

Parenting Tip 1 – Never use the TV as a babysitter

Ok, before I became a Mum, I insisted I’d never use the TV as a babysitter. Well, turns out that wasn’t all that realistic! If I didn’t, it means I’d never take a shower, so whatever! I popped Violet down in front of the TV.  It was Pirate Day on ABC for Kids today so she was pretty stoked anyways.  I’d also set up a ‘snack station’ so she could munch away if she got hungry.  She was totally absorbed in PlaySchool so I left her to it.

Violet ‘helping’ her Mama

Parenting Tip 2 – Supervise your child at all times

Predictably, about 10 minutes into the webinar Violet appeared in front of me, banana in hand, wanting to see what I was up to.  I sat her on my lap, and then she started wiping her banana-smeared fingers all over the laptop.  I put her down on the floor, grabbed a pile of books and toys, and encouraged her to play.  She was quite happy doing this for about 20 minutes.  Next time I looked up, she was walking towards me, chewing.  That’s weird, I thought since her banana was long gone.  “What’s in your mouth?” I asked (seriously, how many times a day do we ask that question?).  She made a weird face, then kept chewing.  “What is it?” I asked again.  By now, she was standing next to me. And thats when I noticed something black on her face. There, on her chin, was a leg. A crunchy, revolting, cockroach leg. “SPIT IT OUT!” I yelled at her.  She calmly put her hand in her mouth and pulled out a wing. Thenk kept crunching. Faaark!

Parenting Tip 3 – Don’t let your child go bare-foot in public

After the cocky incident, it was nap time so I put V down for a snooze. She was awake again after only 45mins, hot, cheeks flushed, and not happy. I tried to give her some lunch but she wouldn’t have it.  I had errands to do so I popped her in the car in the hope that she might sleep on the way.  I arrived at the shops, and realised I didn’t have the pram, OR a pair of shoes for Violet. Shit. Ok, I’ll just carry her! After about 20 mins of wrestling the squirmy toddler, I gave up, and put her down.  Bugger it. She was walking around Spotlight with no shoes on.  And yes, people stared but no, I didn’t care!

Parenting Tip 4 – Don’t feed your child junk food

After visiting the post-office, the chemist and Spotlight, I thought we should head home.  Violet then started cracking it because she was hungry.  I had an organic yoghurt pouch stashed in my bag for this very occasion.  I gave it to her. She literally slapped it out of my hands.  Great. I was starving too, so I thought I’d stop and get something on the way home. I pulled into a cafe, and realised I still had a toddler without shoes.  I scoured the car, and jackpot! A pair of her tiny Dunlop Volleys were on the floor.  I knew they were a bit snug, but I thought I’d be able to get them on.  I crammed her feet into them and then looked at her face. She wasn’t impressed. I looked at her feet. She looked like one of those Geisha’s who’d had her feet bound. Stuff it! I pulled the shoes off and drove to a drive-through so we didn’t have to get out of the car.  I ordered her a tiny fries, scraped the salt off and dabbed the excess oil away, and gave her the packet.  She responded with a big gummy grin and set about stuffing fistfuls of chips into her gob.

Mama…where’d all my chippies go?

Parenting Tip 5 – Take parenting advice with a grain of salt (or even better: sprinkle it on your babies french fries!)

I totally thought I’d be an amazing earth mother that would never entertain any of these things.  My child would only eat organic, nutritious food. I’d never schedule activities that meant I couldn’t be watching her 24/7. Never in a million years would I let them watch TV or go bare-foot in public.  But then I actually became a Mum, and realised it’s not that easy! In fact, its bloody hard! and she’s not even 2! So please don’t judge me…or if you must me, know that at some point, one of these things is gonna happen to you! And guess what? It’s not the end of the world! Cos sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes to get through the day!

Anyone else want to share their own not-so-stellar parenting moments with me? (It’d make me feel better!)

An open letter to Violet’s teeth (or distinct lack thereof)

Dear Mr Toothy Peg,

Hello! How are you? I do hope you’re well!

Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Marney, Violets Mum. You know Violet – she’s the kid with all the gums that you’ve been working on lately.  I hope you don’t mind me contacting you like this, it’s just that, well….we need to talk.

Violet: Destined for a life of licking Pizza

This might seem a bit out of the blue for you because it’s been months since we originally made your acquaintance.  If I remember correctly, two of your baby teeth popped up in Violet’s gums when she was about 8 months old? (Sorry, I can’t remember exactly when, as I haven’t slept in 15 months). Anyways, I think its high-time we sat down together and discussed the big ol’ elephant in the room (Or to be more on-topic: the big ol’ elephant with no tusks!).

You see, it’s like this Mr Toothy Peg: You’re kinda ruining our lives.

Don’t get me wrong, those two little baby teeth you’ve planted in the bottom gum are all kinds of cute, and are still a source of amusement when Violet uses them to break her arrowroot biscuits in half with a loud, satisfying *SNAP*! But to be honest, we’ve kind of moved on since then. We over it!

I mean….it’s been more than 6 months of suffering and we’ve only just scraped the surface with those massive top fangs, which, to be quite honest, just seem to dragging their arses. They’ve been sitting there for weeks, shoulders slumped, bored expressions on their faces, lazily hanging out just outside of her top gum, mocking us.

I know this must be awkward, but I’m just going to come right out and say it. What the hell kind of game are you playing at? I mean, despite the weeks and months of pain, fever, snot, drool, restlessness and a whole lotta surprises ‘downstairs’ (fellow parents know what I’m saying), I feel that we’re not getting anywhere! Are you seriously that sadistic? Do you enjoy seeing us all suffer and turn on each other?

I know that you’re a necessary evil and all, but my biggest gripe is that you consistently over-promise and under-deliver! Seriously! We’ve gone out of our way to prepare for each of your new babies arrivals.  I’ve bought 2 different brands of teething gel. I’ve bought teething tablets which Violet now things are a treat, like a tiny tic-tac offering several times a day (If you haven’t tried Hylands teething tablets – I can totally recommend them). So why is it, Mr Toothy Peg, that I’m now the biggest shareholder in baby Nurofen? And for what? You still manage to ruin our days/night regardless of those precious 2mls every 6 hours!!!!

Hmm….what’s that, Mr Toothy Peg? Have I tried those amber teething necklaces/bracelets/dreamcatchers or whatever else you’re pushing onto us poor unsuspecting mothers? Why no! I haven’t! …Why not, you ask? Oh, I’ll tell you why not. Because my days (and nights) are currently ugly enough without some brown, hippy string of amber hanging from my childs throat/arm/ankle! But thanks for asking! (Sorry – I feel pretty strongly about the look of those amber teething products, despite people raving about their benefits, they’re so ugly! but I promise won’t judge you if you use them religiously. To your face anyway).

Now I know that during the last few weeks you’ve made some effort to push those top two fangs-extraordinaire through V’s tender little gums, and I’m sure once they’re more than 2 millimetres through they will look absolutely splendid.  But seriously: How longs it gonna take for them to be somewhat useful for chewing food and all?

Alright…..ok….I get it. My hostility isn’t going to make you grow your baby teeth any faster.  But if there’s any way you can hurry it along, I’d really appreciate it.  I’m sure Violet will be eternally grateful, and so will her Peppa Pig pram who’s currently bearing the brunt of her frustrations.

Cheers and all the best,

xx Marns